Mirror

I have always been "like my mom" according to everyone who has ever met us, but the older I get, the more I realize that I am more and more "like my dad."

I need a vacation.

Grieving the Living

How do you handle it when your four-year old is clutching a family photo and screaming a prayer, "don't let my Grandpa die" and your one year old is crying and yelling "die, die, die?"


Lord, give me the strength to get my family through this difficult time.

Gumby

I wish I had more flexibility, though I thrive on routine. I wish my husband had a set schedule, and that he didn't volunteer to work his days off so frequently. I am frequently forced to scramble to find a sitter that is available assorted hours, or to take off entirely. Of course, I am the one who must always take off! I was told that I would have my position this summer, but have now been informed that it is likely I will not have that opportunity. I guess I need to find something, but that will be difficult with my husband's scattered hours. I only have a few hours of classes left to graduate- 3 summer credits and a course that is only offered during my workday apparently. I can not afford to quit and pay for school, so I always wait "until next semester." Unfortunately "next semester" never comes for me. I feel like I miss too much work now, and my paycheck feels the brunt of it. I feel like I've been pulled in a million directions. I'm moving, mothering, working and worrying; my day never stops!

La famille à jamais

Jenga!

I keep building myself up to where I long to be, ready to turn the next corner, and begin my life as the person that I believe I am. Then suddenly, the tower begins to wobble as a block is pulled from under my feet. I falter and sway, but regain my balance. I make a few more choices that seem to leave me nervous but more or less stable. I take a deep breath and carelessly take hold of the block that is providing me with a firm foundation; for a silent moment, all seems to be fine. In an instant, every wall comes crashing down upon me, and I have lost the game.


I guess it's time to try again.

Shrug

I wish I had a blog that people actually read, and moreover that I made money off of! I saw a thing on another site about some woman who makes $40,000 A MONTH off of her blog!! That's more than I make in an entire year; too bad I'm not that exciting.

Je t'aime

Humility is futile

My mom's group had a banquet last night, and I was unable to attend due to Marvin's work schedule. They had a "best of" awards ceremony and I was nominated "probably the smartest person in the room." I am glad I was not there, because I would have been so embarrassed!
I know I am intelligent, but there is something about pitting myself intellectually against another that makes me blush. It seems so pompous to tout myself on a silver platter. The award makes me wonder: did I brag about myself too much, do I make others feel poorly about themselves, or am I that big of a nerd? Upon writing this, I did realize one conversation that may have led to this nomination: my high school science project titled "Determining the Coefficient of Thermal Expansion using a 630 nm He-Ne Laser." I do not recall how this topic came up, but hopefully that was the primary factor in my nomination. Being that there are many other wise women in the group, I do not want to appear to think I am smarter than they are!
I don't know what it is about American society, but it seems to both ostracize and idolize the intelligent. It was very hard for me socially in middle and high school; it was embarrassing to be the smart girl (I also had the stigma of the "Bible girl" but that was a whole other issue). I had a tendency to befriend students in other grades or academic classes; my friends knew I was sharp, but never were fully aware of what I was capable of. I did not mind being near the top of my class, but didn't want to be on top. I guess I wanted to coast just far enough under the radar that I still registered, but wasn't seen as a threat. I guess truly that's how I still feel today!

Time in a bottle

As I have gotten older, time seems to feel more irrelevant. What is that saying about the days growing longer, but the years are growing shorter? I graduated high school eight years ago, and have been married over six years! However, both of those events seem like they were just the other day.....

It's that time of year again....

I am fully aware that this is the time of year where I have my meltdown saying I can't handle life. Typically, I do have a lot of stressful things going on, and it is just the culmination of when I can't handle anything else. March is hectic at work,and there are no scheduled days off. I have a number of birthdays that fall in this period of time as well. My father in law is still in medical rehab, and not doing as well as I would like. The girls and Marvin keep getting sick. I am having to deal with bleeding disorders and food allergies; meal preperation sucks. My allergies are flaring up terribly and I feel awful!!! I am having to make major educational decisions that will greatly influence Punky's future. I hardly get to see Marvin when he's working, for his schedule is opposite mine. I love my job terribly while I am there, but dread going to it when I am home. I will probably cry myself to sleep tonight because I feel so stressed.

However, by Easter, I will begin to relax, and every other week until the end of the school year will either have a half day or a day off until summer. Somehow, I think I will survive.

Craigslist

I was flipping through craigslist, and found several posts by the same person:

colthes!!!!!!! - $30 (lutz)

i
ll also take best offer!

its 0-3 months boy !
nice clean colthes ,my son jus grew out of em! i have out fits and shoes

girls crob set " nice" - $10 (lutz)

baby girls crib set -"poo set"

its pink and has NEVER been used still in the package!!!!

bassinet - $20 (lutz)

whight and blue " BRAND NEW!"

has ever thing all the bolts and screws :) and it has a baskit underneath for anything to: dipers and whips and or colthes!

also i'll take a good offer!



If you don't know why I have a problem with these posts, go away, I don't want you to read anything I whright ever again!

I'm Floored

For the past few weeks, well it's really only been a week, I have been ripping the carpet out of the house. I know not everyone has experienced the luscious beauty of this shaggy masterpiece, so I felt the whole world should see it, in all of it's putrid glory. The floor beneath in the front of the house, is not magnificent, but it is better, and it does not smell like urine, which is always a plus.

I wanted to get more done this weekend, but my husband is ill. Personally, I would rather have a dozen sick children, than him being sick! He does not get sick often, but when he does, one would think the world was ending! He lies in bed all day and night when he is off, but insists on going to work. He refuses to visit a physician, and instead self-medicates with mucinex and alka-seltzer. He whines and whines about his cough (which I do admit sounds terrible). He wakes me in the night when he can't sleep, and gets annoyed when I'm not pleasant. I love him deeply, but right now I want to throw him into a deep hole until he is well again!

Life

crazy SPINNING
rollercoasterride next
stop here
DEEP breath(e) deep
take a break for you
never BReaK me
Down here it's too
two QUIET

Disconnected

Floating aimlessly in a sea of constant motion
Always moving, never arriving
Flotsam lost in an aquarium, swirling around
And around
Need an anchor to keep me here or there
Or anywhere
As long as it is home

"Best Friends Forever"

"Best friends," is such a happy sentiment for most people. However, that phrase makes me quite sad. I can't recall anyone ever saying they were my best friend. I have offered that phrase up to a few close friends throughout my childhood, only to be informed that they had another person they liked better. As a child, I think that was the most heart-wrenching thing I could have heard. I would have thought by now I could have found someone, but I guess I will still have to wait to find that confidante.

Message from the lady who thinks she's in charge:

vvv .k vbm juutrdc gh h gjmvfgv jn kj

Is it November yet?

I am SO tired of everything being about politics right now. I've made my choice, now lets move on. I think I'm going to vote as soon as I can in the early voting. Then I can just get it done and over with.

Hindsight is 20/20

Everything is different in retrospect. Now that I am older, there are things from my younger days that make me wish I could go back in time and change things. In elementary school, I had a friend that was quirky but nice, so I hung out with her on a fairly regular basis. I always thought how she treated her Barbies was strange. She would chop off their hair and use markers to make them more anatomically correct by adding nipples, pubic hair, etc. Some of the things she said and did was weird to me a sheltered little girl, and I slowly stopped visiting her. As she grew older she started getting in trouble with the school and the law. I wish I knew then what I knew now. All the things I thought were so weird about her were indicative of sexual abuse! She was trying to get me to help her, but I had no idea anything was wrong.

More recently, a friend told me a story about someone and I reacted poorly. Unbeknown to me, a similar situation was going on in her life. I now have realized, it was her attempt to test the waters and see if she could confide in me. I guess my reaction made her think I was an unreliable friend. Unfortunately, I guess my track record has shown that I may very well be.

Time is ticking....

... The move is quickly creeping up on us, yet here I am, on the computer, typing away. I should be packing. I give myself the excuse of "the girls are sleeping, and if I wake them, then I will never get anything done." However, do I get anything done when they are "happy awake" (as Punky calls it)? No! By the time I get started productively doing something, it is lunch time, followed by nap, followed by work, then dinner, and bedtime... I really need to get on the ball!




I have way too many things!