My Sauna's like a Kitchen!

Marvin has been trying to get me to try out our sauna for a few weeks now, and I kept putting it off for one reason or another. Last night, I finally decided to go try it, mostly to get him off my back.

I entered the clubhouse bathroom, where there was a middle-aged woman with a blunt ebony bob sitting on the counter by the sink reading a Giddeon's Bible. I opened the wooden door to the sauna, and peered inside. It was a dim room, smaller than my closet, and cryptic messages like "I love Mark Futon" were scrawled on the walls and the ceiling. On one bench a Garfield mug filled with water was carefully centered, on the other were jagged grey stones in a haphazard pile. On the heater coils, where the stones belonged, were two covered stainless steel pots. The room smelled like an Asian restaurant, and the odor of boiling onion burned my nose. The saucepan was an enigma, with it's opaque top, but the large stock pot was a sort of dumpling stew, thick with mushrooms and onions. I sat for a minute or two, trying to enjoy what my husband feels is a very relaxing moment, but began chocking on the pungency engulfing my nose and throat.

I did call the office when I returned home, and they kept transferring me to have me tell the story to others, for they found it so outlandish! Marvin went to the men's sauna about an hour later, which was in the same building, but a different room. He said the smell throughout the building was so strong in there, tat he couldn't imagine how I even lasted a few seconds in the make-shift oven! I don't understand what would posses a person to bring food into a semi-public restroom, nor would I ever dream of cooking in such an unsavory place!



Later, I went to the store, and there were two interesting characters that I encountered: the first was in a flesh-colored unitard, and the second was dressed as a Luchador! If I didn't know better, I would have sworn that there was a full moon last night!

My drug of choice

There is something masochistic in being a mother. Beyond the whole idolization of painful wonders of childbirth, there is a strange sense of self-actualization when a person survives a rough night with a feverish baby, or a teething baby, or a hungry baby. One often feels pride in how well she handles herself and her household on a few interrupted hours of sleep. Babies must apparently give off a pheromone that produces an affect similar to amphetamines; how else would one explain the mother's ability to go without sleep for months on end, her frequent disregard to the fact that she is covered in drool, vomit, or worse, and her frequent need for a "baby fix" as her own children grow. Some women will do anything to obtain a baby, often wiping out their bank accounts, and some extreme cases will even commit crimes!

Fortunately, I am not seeking a "fix," for my child has not slept since she has begun cutting molars a few months ago. Prior to that, she was still only sleeping at most 5 hours at a time. Last night I was up most of the night tending to the grumpy and feverish little thing. Today I am exhausted, and look worse than I feel. I am heading into work, and then will return home, make dinner, kiss my husband goodbye, and have another long night. Tomorrow, I am off but will begin a long day of hopefully finishing my move in one more day. (Lord please let me finish quickly!) However, I would not trade this for the world!

"It's like a tornado in my nose."

I am awake, but the house hums with the quiet sound of sleep. I peer out the window at the grey sky hovering over the carbon lake, searching for glints of blue along the horizon. I should enjoy this moment of solitude, absorb it all, and drink it in, yet I can't help but to feel lonely, though I know I'm not alone. I feel isolated in a crowd, and invisible on stage.

A whimper breaks the icy calm of the room, and I quickly crawl down the hall and peek my head over the edge of the mattress.

"Momma!

As I scoop her up in my arms, her head nuzzles into my neck and her tiny fingers knead my back like a baker. I gaze out the window and see the streaks of cobalt; today will be better. She is the sunshine that starts my day.

Mirror

I have always been "like my mom" according to everyone who has ever met us, but the older I get, the more I realize that I am more and more "like my dad."

I need a vacation.

Grieving the Living

How do you handle it when your four-year old is clutching a family photo and screaming a prayer, "don't let my Grandpa die" and your one year old is crying and yelling "die, die, die?"


Lord, give me the strength to get my family through this difficult time.

Gumby

I wish I had more flexibility, though I thrive on routine. I wish my husband had a set schedule, and that he didn't volunteer to work his days off so frequently. I am frequently forced to scramble to find a sitter that is available assorted hours, or to take off entirely. Of course, I am the one who must always take off! I was told that I would have my position this summer, but have now been informed that it is likely I will not have that opportunity. I guess I need to find something, but that will be difficult with my husband's scattered hours. I only have a few hours of classes left to graduate- 3 summer credits and a course that is only offered during my workday apparently. I can not afford to quit and pay for school, so I always wait "until next semester." Unfortunately "next semester" never comes for me. I feel like I miss too much work now, and my paycheck feels the brunt of it. I feel like I've been pulled in a million directions. I'm moving, mothering, working and worrying; my day never stops!

La famille à jamais

Jenga!

I keep building myself up to where I long to be, ready to turn the next corner, and begin my life as the person that I believe I am. Then suddenly, the tower begins to wobble as a block is pulled from under my feet. I falter and sway, but regain my balance. I make a few more choices that seem to leave me nervous but more or less stable. I take a deep breath and carelessly take hold of the block that is providing me with a firm foundation; for a silent moment, all seems to be fine. In an instant, every wall comes crashing down upon me, and I have lost the game.


I guess it's time to try again.

Shrug

I wish I had a blog that people actually read, and moreover that I made money off of! I saw a thing on another site about some woman who makes $40,000 A MONTH off of her blog!! That's more than I make in an entire year; too bad I'm not that exciting.

Je t'aime

Humility is futile

My mom's group had a banquet last night, and I was unable to attend due to Marvin's work schedule. They had a "best of" awards ceremony and I was nominated "probably the smartest person in the room." I am glad I was not there, because I would have been so embarrassed!
I know I am intelligent, but there is something about pitting myself intellectually against another that makes me blush. It seems so pompous to tout myself on a silver platter. The award makes me wonder: did I brag about myself too much, do I make others feel poorly about themselves, or am I that big of a nerd? Upon writing this, I did realize one conversation that may have led to this nomination: my high school science project titled "Determining the Coefficient of Thermal Expansion using a 630 nm He-Ne Laser." I do not recall how this topic came up, but hopefully that was the primary factor in my nomination. Being that there are many other wise women in the group, I do not want to appear to think I am smarter than they are!
I don't know what it is about American society, but it seems to both ostracize and idolize the intelligent. It was very hard for me socially in middle and high school; it was embarrassing to be the smart girl (I also had the stigma of the "Bible girl" but that was a whole other issue). I had a tendency to befriend students in other grades or academic classes; my friends knew I was sharp, but never were fully aware of what I was capable of. I did not mind being near the top of my class, but didn't want to be on top. I guess I wanted to coast just far enough under the radar that I still registered, but wasn't seen as a threat. I guess truly that's how I still feel today!

Time in a bottle

As I have gotten older, time seems to feel more irrelevant. What is that saying about the days growing longer, but the years are growing shorter? I graduated high school eight years ago, and have been married over six years! However, both of those events seem like they were just the other day.....

It's that time of year again....

I am fully aware that this is the time of year where I have my meltdown saying I can't handle life. Typically, I do have a lot of stressful things going on, and it is just the culmination of when I can't handle anything else. March is hectic at work,and there are no scheduled days off. I have a number of birthdays that fall in this period of time as well. My father in law is still in medical rehab, and not doing as well as I would like. The girls and Marvin keep getting sick. I am having to deal with bleeding disorders and food allergies; meal preperation sucks. My allergies are flaring up terribly and I feel awful!!! I am having to make major educational decisions that will greatly influence Punky's future. I hardly get to see Marvin when he's working, for his schedule is opposite mine. I love my job terribly while I am there, but dread going to it when I am home. I will probably cry myself to sleep tonight because I feel so stressed.

However, by Easter, I will begin to relax, and every other week until the end of the school year will either have a half day or a day off until summer. Somehow, I think I will survive.

Craigslist

I was flipping through craigslist, and found several posts by the same person:

colthes!!!!!!! - $30 (lutz)

i
ll also take best offer!

its 0-3 months boy !
nice clean colthes ,my son jus grew out of em! i have out fits and shoes

girls crob set " nice" - $10 (lutz)

baby girls crib set -"poo set"

its pink and has NEVER been used still in the package!!!!

bassinet - $20 (lutz)

whight and blue " BRAND NEW!"

has ever thing all the bolts and screws :) and it has a baskit underneath for anything to: dipers and whips and or colthes!

also i'll take a good offer!



If you don't know why I have a problem with these posts, go away, I don't want you to read anything I whright ever again!

I'm Floored

For the past few weeks, well it's really only been a week, I have been ripping the carpet out of the house. I know not everyone has experienced the luscious beauty of this shaggy masterpiece, so I felt the whole world should see it, in all of it's putrid glory. The floor beneath in the front of the house, is not magnificent, but it is better, and it does not smell like urine, which is always a plus.

I wanted to get more done this weekend, but my husband is ill. Personally, I would rather have a dozen sick children, than him being sick! He does not get sick often, but when he does, one would think the world was ending! He lies in bed all day and night when he is off, but insists on going to work. He refuses to visit a physician, and instead self-medicates with mucinex and alka-seltzer. He whines and whines about his cough (which I do admit sounds terrible). He wakes me in the night when he can't sleep, and gets annoyed when I'm not pleasant. I love him deeply, but right now I want to throw him into a deep hole until he is well again!

Life

crazy SPINNING
rollercoasterride next
stop here
DEEP breath(e) deep
take a break for you
never BReaK me
Down here it's too
two QUIET

Disconnected

Floating aimlessly in a sea of constant motion
Always moving, never arriving
Flotsam lost in an aquarium, swirling around
And around
Need an anchor to keep me here or there
Or anywhere
As long as it is home

"Best Friends Forever"

"Best friends," is such a happy sentiment for most people. However, that phrase makes me quite sad. I can't recall anyone ever saying they were my best friend. I have offered that phrase up to a few close friends throughout my childhood, only to be informed that they had another person they liked better. As a child, I think that was the most heart-wrenching thing I could have heard. I would have thought by now I could have found someone, but I guess I will still have to wait to find that confidante.

Message from the lady who thinks she's in charge:

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