It seems like for weeks now, I have been having the urge to pour out my soul at the keyboard, bare every inch of vulnerability that has been consuming me lately, and open the book that exposes all my feelings of inadequacy, yet as soon as I sit down, I am unable to. It seems like, if I let the words swirling in my head drip out of my fingertips, everything will become true. At this moment I can pretend all my fears are simply bloated delusions of the Bogey Man or the Monster under my bed.
I was hired to work at Gymboree, and will begin training this afternoon. I am quite curious to see who "made it." Thankfully, this will mean that I will not have a lapse of pay between jobs, though it does add yet another commitment to an already full plate.
I think I need to begin looking for a new church to call home. There is nothing wrong with where I attend, and the girls love it. I attended all through middle and high school, and have been back for about two-and-a-half years (except for when we were living across the bay), yet I still feel like an outsider. I have yet to find my niche, and frankly, when I miss a week, no one seems to care or notice.
2 comments:
Sounds like you are going through some stuff. I know when everything around you is changing it can be uncomfortable. I can also understand your feelings about your church. You said you love your church and that the girls love it but, that you still feel the need to move on. This is not an uncommon thing. There are times when we must move on from what we are comfortable with because God has matured and grown us in our relationship with him and he is trying to take us to a higher level with him. If you are feeling like you should make a change then I think you should trust God and take that leap of faith and try something new. He'll take you exactly where he wants you. The same thing with changing your job. I know that it took you by surprise and that changing from one job to another with everything else you have going on is difficult but, I believe it is for a purpose. My pastor has said this a couple times. When God is taking you to a higher level it is uncomfortable to say the least. He takes us out of our comfort zone so that we have to rely on him to get us up that next step. Trust him girl. Everything is going to work out great for you. It may be uncomfortable now but, when God gets you to where he wants you it will be soooo worth it! I'm here for you if you need to talk. Luv ya....Amanda
My pastor has said on several occasions that when things happen to take you out of your comfort zone it is usually because God is trying to get you up to the next step. Every day we actively seek God out we learn something new and become more and more mature in Christ. When it's time to move up the spiritual maturity ladder it usually comes with a level of discomfort because God is stretching you and pulling you up the next rung. Every time you are pulled up a level the atmosphere changes and you have to adjust. The adjustment is uncomfortable but, when you have adjusted to the next level you will have obtained a better position. Right now you are being stretched and pulled and it's uncomfortable. Trust that God knows what he is doing and that when the adjustment is complete the discomfort will fade away and you will be in a position to experience Gods love, joy, peace, grace, mercy, and abundance. I'm here for you anytime you need to talk. -Amanda
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