Always an Outsider...

...Never part of the crowd.


I did something today I shouldn't have done. I looked at old photos from, well I probably shouldn't say, but its was an organization that I was heavily involved in for many many years, and that I thought I was a major part of. Nope. I realize I was only there out of their obligation to permit me, and I was rarely if ever invited to the behind the scene fun.

I always knew I was kind of the pariah in high school. I was a little too goody-goody, and know-it-all too really be accepted. People were nice to me, but I was never invited to do things outside of those halls. In college, I was told by a male high school classmate, that he had been interested in me back then, but his friends strongly discouraged it. That kind of broke me; before I could pretend I was paranoid, but that statement crushed my spirit.


I have gotten to the point where I don't really have many friends. Oh, I have plenty of acquaintances and others I hang out with, but no one to call and pour my heart out to when I feel defeated. I guess that is why I blog, haha.


PS: Upon rereading this I feel like even more of a loser.

To the best of my recollection, how I did it:

I crushed my little toe on my left foot yesterday. It's probably broken, but they don't generally xray the smaller toes unless bones are popping out.

Two main factors contributed to this accident: my own stubbornness, and the construction of my front door.

I never wear shoes unless I have to; I prefer being barefoot. Stores, work and public restrooms are the main places that I need them; I like being barefoot but I am no Brittany Spears. I even got married barefoot! So yesterday when I ran out to the car to grab something, I didn't bother throwing any shoes on.

My front door has no clearance between the bottom and the ground. I have to put my welcome mat way down the walk, because the door can't clear it and it jams the door shut. I don't know who designed it this way, but it really is screwy!

The next part of the story becomes a little fuzzy. Punky was already at my parents' house for a sleepover, so I was gathering her overnight bag. I ran to the car, got my things, opened the front door and BAM! I don't remember if I swung to door onto my foot, or if it swung back as I was trying to shuffle things. It doesn't really matter, because either way, my little toe was wedged between the door and the concrete, in a space too narrow for a doormat!

I am pretty sure I went into shock; the pain was so great that I started dry heaving and I was so dizzy I couldn't see straight. I hobbled to the kitchen to get ice, crawled upstairs to dip my foot in the tub, and proceeded to lie on the floor writhing in pain while making a completely incoherent phone call to my dad about my daughter needing to wear my sister's pajamas because I couldn't drive. If a video was taken of it, I am sure I would be an instant internet phenomenon!

Scout was wonderful during this craziness. She started to freak out until I gave her an ice cube to play with. Later, she took care of me and brought me a blanket and fed me crackers and stuffing. (Her choice, not mine.) It tells me that I have done a good job nurturing her, if she wants to care for me!

My foot still hurts like crazy. I tried to put an adhesive bandage on where all the skin was peeled off, and just about doubled over in pain. I have the start of a pretty nasty bruise. I can walk, so long as I don't bear weight on it yet. I haven't tried buddy taping it yet, but will when I go to pick Punky up from her sleepover at my parents. Guess I will be taking it easy this weekend...

What my class has taught me about my life

I am taking a course on language and culture in foreign film; it was supposed to be a linguistics course, but is really far from it. However, the more I am involved in this class, the more I learn about myself.

I really enjoy foreign films, but until recently have avoided them, because no one will watch them with me. I also can watch movies on my own, haha.

I dream of being an ex patriot, but am terrified to move across the state. I get wrapped up in these idealized worlds that I know don't exist. I am facing a possible move that is opening great possibilities, but the idea of leaving my comfortable little world scares me.

I also am a little unnerved by travel that is not in an automobile. I have been in car accidents, way too many. I have been under a semi-truck. I have gotten motion sick more times than I could ever count. My butt has gone numb from sitting. Yet, when it comes time to travel, I don't fly, or take the train. How will I ever travel abroad if I insist on driving? I guess I am just a little crazy!


"Unlike fish that see sideways, and flies that see all around them, people can only see what is in front of them." -Catarina in the Big City

So Hard to Admit

Something that has been stewing in me for sometime is a horrible fear that I will grow up and become a hoarder.

I absolutely know that I am nowhere near as bad as those people you see on tv. We have no pets, so no worries about becoming the crazy cat lady, nor am I stockpiling rancid food. However, I do know I have way too much clutter, and some of the statements that come out of those people's mouths when I watch them on tv resonate within me.

"When I think about cleaning it up, it just becomes too overwhelming."

"I just don't like stuff being thrown away behind my back. I feel very violated and very serious break of trust if someone does that. That's like doing something to me and I don't like that at all"

" Part of my problem is I did start collecting stuff but I didn't want get rid of it. It's gotten to the point that it's overwhelming just thinking about it."

from Hoarders

I have trouble getting rid of "useful" items. The girls have way to many toys and clothes. I have way too many clothes. I never know what to wear. We have more books than a library! I have a storage unit, and probably only know of a dozen things in there that I want and need. I have boxes in the garage at my late father-in-law's house; I know what is in most of them, but honestly this many months later, do I really need it? When I look at everything, I just don't know where to begin! When I see and touch things it brings back memories. I feel guilty getting rid of nice things that people have given me. The last two times we moved, things were not packed well, so I know there are things I want, but just can't find them!

I need someone like the specialists on tv to come in and help me objectively. Someone who isn't going to judge me or act like I am crazy. I can't afford to pay for someone like that, I looked into it, so I just kind of ignore it. My tendencies have put a strain on my marriage in the past; that is why my storage unit exists. My junk lives there so that Marvin can ignore it. I have a private blog that I used to affirm myself on how much I got rid of, but the stuff just seems to multiply! I try to avoid shopping now. I am doing better now, and actually let people come over to my house (because I hide all of my clutter).

I am not trying to make excuses for myself, but my disorganization is where my ADHD manifests itself.
Trying to go through it all alone gives me an anxiety attack.
Just writing this embarrasses me greatly.
I just wish someone would come in and just keep me company and keep me focused so I could help myself.
Books motivate me, but only briefly.
I want to cry.
I am ashamed.
I feel like a failure.
I am crying.