In honor of all the rain we've been having, I thought I'd post the story I wrote for Punky a few years ago:
Deep and dark and damp and dreary, the wind does blow so soft and eerie. The raindrops plop and plop and plop, constant on my wet rooftop. Lightning turns the dark night sky brilliant as Fourth of July…
And in my bed I’m nice and dry.
Yet though I know I’m safe inside, I want to scream, I want to hide! For the THUNDERMONSTERS march tonight!
When they march, it’s awful loud. Though their noisy marching draws no crowd, they still bang and crash and yell and smash. Their noisy music fills me with dread; I feel it pounding inside my head (luckily I’m safe in bed.) The booming noise makes me shake; I won’t even eat my birthday cake! What noise these thundermonsters make!
And then…
Plop, plop, plop, the dripping seems to start to stop. The lightning’s gone. The air is still. A bird lands on my windowsill. The storm is gone, so is the fright. At least I can sleep tonight.
The storm is gone, turn out my light.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
So Ready!
I am so ready to be off! The kids are going crazy! Too bad I only have week before summer school starts, but at least that's a four day week of half days.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Gollum at the Grocery
Yesterday when we were grocery shopping, I saw a little old lady(?) who looked just like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Just give him a few more strands of snow-white hair, a striped shirt, and a pair of capris, and they would be twins!
I wish remembered I had my camera with me yesterday!
I don't know what to do with myself!
Punky graduated from preschool last week, and Marvin doesn't have to go into work until I get home. Everyone else is still asleep. I'm already dressed, and have my lunch made. I have the next thirty minutes or so to myself!
Friday, May 15, 2009
blah
I'm hormonal, grumpy, and tired. When I got home from work, I ate a bowl of chili with tortilla chips and then I ate a sandwich. This sandwich had crunchy peanut butter, nutella, bananas, and sea salt; I should probably call it something like the PMS special! Punky is super-moody; I wonder if she is picking it up from me?
I had a rough week, and I was told I might not have a job next year, but will find out a couple weeks before school starts. That's just fabulous! It did prompt me to apply to go back to school, so I am anxiously waiting to learn about two stressful things. I was told I wasn't able to work summer school, and then told I am able to work it. I think that even if I wasn't a raging ball of hormones, I would be emotional this week!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Mamacita
I do not believe the act of giving birth makes one a mother; rather I believe that is compassion and selfless love it what makes a mother!
The woman who gives birth and throws her baby in the dumpster, is not a mother. The woman who keeps her baby and neglects or abuses him is not a mother. The woman who uses abortion as birth control is not a mother. These women may one day learn to be a mother, but carrying a child did not automatically make that so.
The woman who gives birth and raises her child is a mother. The woman who adopts a child who is a stranger to her is a mother. The woman who loves and dreams for the baby in her belly that is never born is a mother. The woman who gives birth and realizes she can not provide a good life for her child and decides to put him up for adoption is a mother. Motherhood is not biological, it is emotional!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Visualization
I have been reading too much lately.
It is not the quantity of books I read that detirmine if I have "read too much," but it is rather how I read them. I will get into a mindset where I begin seeing the words that describe my life. I no longer ill see memories, I will see the words pouring out across a page as my life occurs.
I know what you are thinking: Jessie you are nuts!
I guess it is like an internal narrative, if that makes me sound a little more sane.
It is not the quantity of books I read that detirmine if I have "read too much," but it is rather how I read them. I will get into a mindset where I begin seeing the words that describe my life. I no longer ill see memories, I will see the words pouring out across a page as my life occurs.
I know what you are thinking: Jessie you are nuts!
I guess it is like an internal narrative, if that makes me sound a little more sane.
As the early evening sun eased through the window, I lay nestled in the coffee-bean cushion soaking in the rays. The girls came quickly to me as I set down my novel.My brain is filled with plenty of these memories where the words are recalled before the scene. Oh well, it doesn't really matter how I remember, so long as it is!
First, Scout, crawling wildly initially, then slowly rising like a clumsy circus bear stumbling into my arms. She nuzzles into my neck and her gentle blonde hair rubs my cheek as she settles into my lap.
Then comes Punky, more gracefully, but just as savagely. She leaps onto the pillow, and for a moment, we all flounce into the air. Shrieks of laughter fill the living room. My arms are the wings of a hen wrapping around her chicks as we settle into our cozy saddle-brown nest.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Ants in my Pants
What is the best way to make your new neighbors think you have lost your mind? Begin throwing all your clothes, blankets, and laundry hamper out of your window on to your patio below! The following are the events that led to my apparent loss of sanity:
All week, the student I work with was adamant that "on Thursday, Ms. Jessica is going to get sick and never come back." He has proven to be somewhat knowledgeable about the future before, and one day broke down in tears saying he needed to call mom, at the approximate time she fell at home and broke her ankle.
Thursday was a rough morning to begin with. When I set my alarm, I forgot that I had to take the girls by my parent's house before work, so I was running late to start. However, I managed to get out of the house only two minutes behind schedule! Then I realized that I had forgotten the videos that I was supposed to show that day, and had to turn around. I was late for work. During first period, I felt myself get bit twice- once on the leg and once on the hip. I looked at my hip and it was swollen and purple! I excused myself to the restroom, and checked my thigh: there was a raised, red welt the size on my hand, and it was hot to the touch. I called my mom, who was coming up to the school shortly, and asked her to bring me benadryl. After I took it, the swelling went down on my hip, but not my leg. The school nurse looked at it and told me to "go to the doctor- TODAY! Call him now." Apparently MRSA is going around the schools! I went to the minute clinic where they checked it out, and it was not MRSA, yet. I had to go on a very high dose of antibiotics- four times a day! She also gave me a prescription for a cream to treat MRSA, if it got worse, but told me not to fill it yet. She said not to go back to work that day, so I headed to pick up Punky, who was having pizza with my mom and my brother's class.
On the way to the pizza place, less than a block away, my car stalled in the middle of an intersection. I couldn't get my hazards to work at first, and I had Scout in the car. I frantically called my mom, as I repeatedly tried to get my car to start. She ran out, and together, we pushed my all-American steel station wagon across the street into a parking lot. During this test of brute strength, I hit my eye on the door, and cut it!
That afternoon, I went home, and began taking the antibiotics, which did help my leg. However, it also made me nauseous. I didn't feel great, but at least I did not have to go to work on Friday.
Friday evening, Marvin went to work, and I went upstairs to change clothes, because, by this time, I had thrown up twice, and wasn't feeling great. It was then that I discovered thousands of fire ants in my clean laundry and swarming all over the floor. I called maintenance, who told me the grounds people handle bugs, and they probably wouldn't be in until Monday. "Why don't you go buy some spray?" "Because my car is broken down, and my husband works overnight!"
I had to get these ants out- now! I had already been bit a few times and was having an allergic swell. Since they were mostly infesting my clothes, I figured to best way to get the ants out, was to get the clothes out. So I opened the window, popped out the screen, and wildly began throwing anything that the ants touched out the window! Socks and jeans rained down! T-shirts were hanging from my gazebo! I vacuumed all that remained and took out the canister. I made the decision that the girls and I would sleep downstairs to avoid any unwanted bedfellows. I then proceeded to spend the next six hours puking my guts out!
I did gather all my clothes in a basket, but they remain on my back patio, until I can drown all those little buggers in my washing machine!
All week, the student I work with was adamant that "on Thursday, Ms. Jessica is going to get sick and never come back." He has proven to be somewhat knowledgeable about the future before, and one day broke down in tears saying he needed to call mom, at the approximate time she fell at home and broke her ankle.
Thursday was a rough morning to begin with. When I set my alarm, I forgot that I had to take the girls by my parent's house before work, so I was running late to start. However, I managed to get out of the house only two minutes behind schedule! Then I realized that I had forgotten the videos that I was supposed to show that day, and had to turn around. I was late for work. During first period, I felt myself get bit twice- once on the leg and once on the hip. I looked at my hip and it was swollen and purple! I excused myself to the restroom, and checked my thigh: there was a raised, red welt the size on my hand, and it was hot to the touch. I called my mom, who was coming up to the school shortly, and asked her to bring me benadryl. After I took it, the swelling went down on my hip, but not my leg. The school nurse looked at it and told me to "go to the doctor- TODAY! Call him now." Apparently MRSA is going around the schools! I went to the minute clinic where they checked it out, and it was not MRSA, yet. I had to go on a very high dose of antibiotics- four times a day! She also gave me a prescription for a cream to treat MRSA, if it got worse, but told me not to fill it yet. She said not to go back to work that day, so I headed to pick up Punky, who was having pizza with my mom and my brother's class.
On the way to the pizza place, less than a block away, my car stalled in the middle of an intersection. I couldn't get my hazards to work at first, and I had Scout in the car. I frantically called my mom, as I repeatedly tried to get my car to start. She ran out, and together, we pushed my all-American steel station wagon across the street into a parking lot. During this test of brute strength, I hit my eye on the door, and cut it!
That afternoon, I went home, and began taking the antibiotics, which did help my leg. However, it also made me nauseous. I didn't feel great, but at least I did not have to go to work on Friday.
Friday evening, Marvin went to work, and I went upstairs to change clothes, because, by this time, I had thrown up twice, and wasn't feeling great. It was then that I discovered thousands of fire ants in my clean laundry and swarming all over the floor. I called maintenance, who told me the grounds people handle bugs, and they probably wouldn't be in until Monday. "Why don't you go buy some spray?" "Because my car is broken down, and my husband works overnight!"
I had to get these ants out- now! I had already been bit a few times and was having an allergic swell. Since they were mostly infesting my clothes, I figured to best way to get the ants out, was to get the clothes out. So I opened the window, popped out the screen, and wildly began throwing anything that the ants touched out the window! Socks and jeans rained down! T-shirts were hanging from my gazebo! I vacuumed all that remained and took out the canister. I made the decision that the girls and I would sleep downstairs to avoid any unwanted bedfellows. I then proceeded to spend the next six hours puking my guts out!
I did gather all my clothes in a basket, but they remain on my back patio, until I can drown all those little buggers in my washing machine!
Monday, April 27, 2009
My Sauna's like a Kitchen!
Marvin has been trying to get me to try out our sauna for a few weeks now, and I kept putting it off for one reason or another. Last night, I finally decided to go try it, mostly to get him off my back.
I entered the clubhouse bathroom, where there was a middle-aged woman with a blunt ebony bob sitting on the counter by the sink reading a Giddeon's Bible. I opened the wooden door to the sauna, and peered inside. It was a dim room, smaller than my closet, and cryptic messages like "I love Mark Futon" were scrawled on the walls and the ceiling. On one bench a Garfield mug filled with water was carefully centered, on the other were jagged grey stones in a haphazard pile. On the heater coils, where the stones belonged, were two covered stainless steel pots. The room smelled like an Asian restaurant, and the odor of boiling onion burned my nose. The saucepan was an enigma, with it's opaque top, but the large stock pot was a sort of dumpling stew, thick with mushrooms and onions. I sat for a minute or two, trying to enjoy what my husband feels is a very relaxing moment, but began chocking on the pungency engulfing my nose and throat.
I did call the office when I returned home, and they kept transferring me to have me tell the story to others, for they found it so outlandish! Marvin went to the men's sauna about an hour later, which was in the same building, but a different room. He said the smell throughout the building was so strong in there, tat he couldn't imagine how I even lasted a few seconds in the make-shift oven! I don't understand what would posses a person to bring food into a semi-public restroom, nor would I ever dream of cooking in such an unsavory place!
Later, I went to the store, and there were two interesting characters that I encountered: the first was in a flesh-colored unitard, and the second was dressed as a Luchador! If I didn't know better, I would have sworn that there was a full moon last night!
I entered the clubhouse bathroom, where there was a middle-aged woman with a blunt ebony bob sitting on the counter by the sink reading a Giddeon's Bible. I opened the wooden door to the sauna, and peered inside. It was a dim room, smaller than my closet, and cryptic messages like "I love Mark Futon" were scrawled on the walls and the ceiling. On one bench a Garfield mug filled with water was carefully centered, on the other were jagged grey stones in a haphazard pile. On the heater coils, where the stones belonged, were two covered stainless steel pots. The room smelled like an Asian restaurant, and the odor of boiling onion burned my nose. The saucepan was an enigma, with it's opaque top, but the large stock pot was a sort of dumpling stew, thick with mushrooms and onions. I sat for a minute or two, trying to enjoy what my husband feels is a very relaxing moment, but began chocking on the pungency engulfing my nose and throat.
I did call the office when I returned home, and they kept transferring me to have me tell the story to others, for they found it so outlandish! Marvin went to the men's sauna about an hour later, which was in the same building, but a different room. He said the smell throughout the building was so strong in there, tat he couldn't imagine how I even lasted a few seconds in the make-shift oven! I don't understand what would posses a person to bring food into a semi-public restroom, nor would I ever dream of cooking in such an unsavory place!
Later, I went to the store, and there were two interesting characters that I encountered: the first was in a flesh-colored unitard, and the second was dressed as a Luchador! If I didn't know better, I would have sworn that there was a full moon last night!
Friday, April 24, 2009
My drug of choice
There is something masochistic in being a mother. Beyond the whole idolization of painful wonders of childbirth, there is a strange sense of self-actualization when a person survives a rough night with a feverish baby, or a teething baby, or a hungry baby. One often feels pride in how well she handles herself and her household on a few interrupted hours of sleep. Babies must apparently give off a pheromone that produces an affect similar to amphetamines; how else would one explain the mother's ability to go without sleep for months on end, her frequent disregard to the fact that she is covered in drool, vomit, or worse, and her frequent need for a "baby fix" as her own children grow. Some women will do anything to obtain a baby, often wiping out their bank accounts, and some extreme cases will even commit crimes!
Fortunately, I am not seeking a "fix," for my child has not slept since she has begun cutting molars a few months ago. Prior to that, she was still only sleeping at most 5 hours at a time. Last night I was up most of the night tending to the grumpy and feverish little thing. Today I am exhausted, and look worse than I feel. I am heading into work, and then will return home, make dinner, kiss my husband goodbye, and have another long night. Tomorrow, I am off but will begin a long day of hopefully finishing my move in one more day. (Lord please let me finish quickly!) However, I would not trade this for the world!
Fortunately, I am not seeking a "fix," for my child has not slept since she has begun cutting molars a few months ago. Prior to that, she was still only sleeping at most 5 hours at a time. Last night I was up most of the night tending to the grumpy and feverish little thing. Today I am exhausted, and look worse than I feel. I am heading into work, and then will return home, make dinner, kiss my husband goodbye, and have another long night. Tomorrow, I am off but will begin a long day of hopefully finishing my move in one more day. (Lord please let me finish quickly!) However, I would not trade this for the world!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
"It's like a tornado in my nose."
I am awake, but the house hums with the quiet sound of sleep. I peer out the window at the grey sky hovering over the carbon lake, searching for glints of blue along the horizon. I should enjoy this moment of solitude, absorb it all, and drink it in, yet I can't help but to feel lonely, though I know I'm not alone. I feel isolated in a crowd, and invisible on stage.
A whimper breaks the icy calm of the room, and I quickly crawl down the hall and peek my head over the edge of the mattress.
"Momma!
As I scoop her up in my arms, her head nuzzles into my neck and her tiny fingers knead my back like a baker. I gaze out the window and see the streaks of cobalt; today will be better. She is the sunshine that starts my day.
A whimper breaks the icy calm of the room, and I quickly crawl down the hall and peek my head over the edge of the mattress.
"Momma!
As I scoop her up in my arms, her head nuzzles into my neck and her tiny fingers knead my back like a baker. I gaze out the window and see the streaks of cobalt; today will be better. She is the sunshine that starts my day.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Mirror
I have always been "like my mom" according to everyone who has ever met us, but the older I get, the more I realize that I am more and more "like my dad."
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Grieving the Living
How do you handle it when your four-year old is clutching a family photo and screaming a prayer, "don't let my Grandpa die" and your one year old is crying and yelling "die, die, die?"
Lord, give me the strength to get my family through this difficult time.
Lord, give me the strength to get my family through this difficult time.
Gumby
I wish I had more flexibility, though I thrive on routine. I wish my husband had a set schedule, and that he didn't volunteer to work his days off so frequently. I am frequently forced to scramble to find a sitter that is available assorted hours, or to take off entirely. Of course, I am the one who must always take off! I was told that I would have my position this summer, but have now been informed that it is likely I will not have that opportunity. I guess I need to find something, but that will be difficult with my husband's scattered hours. I only have a few hours of classes left to graduate- 3 summer credits and a course that is only offered during my workday apparently. I can not afford to quit and pay for school, so I always wait "until next semester." Unfortunately "next semester" never comes for me. I feel like I miss too much work now, and my paycheck feels the brunt of it. I feel like I've been pulled in a million directions. I'm moving, mothering, working and worrying; my day never stops!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Jenga!
I keep building myself up to where I long to be, ready to turn the next corner, and begin my life as the person that I believe I am. Then suddenly, the tower begins to wobble as a block is pulled from under my feet. I falter and sway, but regain my balance. I make a few more choices that seem to leave me nervous but more or less stable. I take a deep breath and carelessly take hold of the block that is providing me with a firm foundation; for a silent moment, all seems to be fine. In an instant, every wall comes crashing down upon me, and I have lost the game.
I guess it's time to try again.
I guess it's time to try again.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Shrug
I wish I had a blog that people actually read, and moreover that I made money off of! I saw a thing on another site about some woman who makes $40,000 A MONTH off of her blog!! That's more than I make in an entire year; too bad I'm not that exciting.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Humility is futile
My mom's group had a banquet last night, and I was unable to attend due to Marvin's work schedule. They had a "best of" awards ceremony and I was nominated "probably the smartest person in the room." I am glad I was not there, because I would have been so embarrassed!
I know I am intelligent, but there is something about pitting myself intellectually against another that makes me blush. It seems so pompous to tout myself on a silver platter. The award makes me wonder: did I brag about myself too much, do I make others feel poorly about themselves, or am I that big of a nerd? Upon writing this, I did realize one conversation that may have led to this nomination: my high school science project titled "Determining the Coefficient of Thermal Expansion using a 630 nm He-Ne Laser." I do not recall how this topic came up, but hopefully that was the primary factor in my nomination. Being that there are many other wise women in the group, I do not want to appear to think I am smarter than they are!
I don't know what it is about American society, but it seems to both ostracize and idolize the intelligent. It was very hard for me socially in middle and high school; it was embarrassing to be the smart girl (I also had the stigma of the "Bible girl" but that was a whole other issue). I had a tendency to befriend students in other grades or academic classes; my friends knew I was sharp, but never were fully aware of what I was capable of. I did not mind being near the top of my class, but didn't want to be on top. I guess I wanted to coast just far enough under the radar that I still registered, but wasn't seen as a threat. I guess truly that's how I still feel today!
I know I am intelligent, but there is something about pitting myself intellectually against another that makes me blush. It seems so pompous to tout myself on a silver platter. The award makes me wonder: did I brag about myself too much, do I make others feel poorly about themselves, or am I that big of a nerd? Upon writing this, I did realize one conversation that may have led to this nomination: my high school science project titled "Determining the Coefficient of Thermal Expansion using a 630 nm He-Ne Laser." I do not recall how this topic came up, but hopefully that was the primary factor in my nomination. Being that there are many other wise women in the group, I do not want to appear to think I am smarter than they are!
I don't know what it is about American society, but it seems to both ostracize and idolize the intelligent. It was very hard for me socially in middle and high school; it was embarrassing to be the smart girl (I also had the stigma of the "Bible girl" but that was a whole other issue). I had a tendency to befriend students in other grades or academic classes; my friends knew I was sharp, but never were fully aware of what I was capable of. I did not mind being near the top of my class, but didn't want to be on top. I guess I wanted to coast just far enough under the radar that I still registered, but wasn't seen as a threat. I guess truly that's how I still feel today!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)